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636 of 703 found the following review helpful:
Good principal, disappointed in tone and tangibles...Sep 22, 2006
By A. Cooper
I thought the principal behind the book was something that will help virtually every married couple. My husband and I laughed at sections b/c we found some of the anecdotes so spot on to our daily lives. Eggerichs clearly explained to us why we keep going through the "Crazy Cycle." The Respect/Love needs in men/women is potentially a marriage saver or breaker.
I have 2 constructive criticisms of the book. I still recommend this book, however I do give these caveats:
1. This book talks as if men know how to love their wives. There may be a million books out there on how to do it, but we didn't have those. My husband and I were reading this one. And I grew weary of hearing how women needed to learn to respect their husbands. Frankly, I grasped the principal within the first few pages. After a few chapters, I felt like rolling my eyes a little. Because he paid so little attention to talking about how men should love their wives, it felt like that part was very trivialized. I understand that was not the point, however, the title was "Love & Respect", not just "Respect."
2. I would have liked more tangible examples of exactly what it means to "Respect" my husband. I want to do it. And he made it clear that "nagging, complaining, and whining" at him were disrespectful. But I need more examples. What are the active things I can do? Is it disrespectful to remind my husband to take the garbage out the night before? If it is, then how do I make sure the task gets done w/out reminding him? It isn't an issue of control, but I have to get the kids out the door in the morning and I need help and I need him to do this one thing. Make sense? I need to know how to have those discussions w/out disrespecing him.
I hestitate to use this as a small group book b/c it is so one-sided. And it tends to repeat itself. Again, I got the principal pretty quickly. And as good as it is, after a while, enough is enough. Another reviewer said it felt a bit like a brochure for the conference. That is exactly how I felt.
A good book? Yes. A helpful principle? Absolutely. A must-read? Maybe. But definitely helpful to a Christian marriage and therefore, I do and would recommend it.
63 of 65 found the following review helpful:
Every couple needs to read thisAug 22, 2012
By Elizabeth D.
On the whole, the book was amazing. My husband and I read it out loud to each other and discussed it all along the way. We learned new insights into each other's needs that have been very helpful. We've been applying what we learned to our lives now for months and it's made a real difference. One thing, though, we both disagreed to the words "Love" and "Respect." We changed them, for ourselves, to "Cherish" and "Admire." We felt that more accurately describes what we need from each other. My husband can love our children, love his parents, love my meatloaf, and I DO want him to love me, but even above that I want him to cherish me--I desperately want him to cherish me. My children love me, my friends love me, but from my husband . . . I need even more. We also both agreed that no matter what anyone says, respect must be earned. It means a lot to him that I respect him, but he truly needs more than that from me . . . he needs to be admired by the woman he loves, the woman whose opinion matters most to him.
96 of 104 found the following review helpful:
Amazingly Helpful!May 04, 2006
By Amazon Customer
This book is full of insight. I've been married for 17 years to a wonderful man that I have always respected. I never realized, however, how many little things I said and did that made him feel so belittled. (And he certainly didn't know how to share that with me!) It really is like learning to speak a different language. And although I KNEW he loved me, I also felt that something was missing. It's not easy to change so many years of habit, but understanding why we each react the way we do has made it easier to connect with one another. I whole-heartedly recommend this book, especially if your goal is to make your spouse more happy, and so have a more peaceful marriage. Even if you think you can never respect your husband, or your wife is unlovable, there is valuable knowledge to be gained here.
824 of 941 found the following review helpful:
An ok basic premise, but enough problems that I'd advise other books over this oneMar 24, 2009
By Brian K. William
1) I like the connection between love and respect. Every time he says husbands need respect and wives need love, you have to translate that mentally into *both* husbands *and* wives need love *and* respect, but the basic premise is a good one -- the Christian understanding of love indicates an attitude of honoring, respecting, and blessing the other person.
2) The crazy cycle and reward cycle. This is one of the most important things most couples could learn. Our behaviors are self-reinforcing and good things to lead to more good things in a cycle. Likewise, bad things often lead to more bad things. The good news is that we serve a God of redemption and just as the gospel message teaches us that Christ breaks us out of a cycle of sin, God can redeem broken marriages and break them out of destructive cycles.
3) For *some* couples, a disrespectful attitude toward the husband or an unloving attitude toward the wife *is* the problem. For those relationships, I imagine they would benefit greatly from this book.
1) As mentioned by several reviewers already, the book is incredibly sexist. I started making a `W' in the margins when Dr. Eggerichs blamed the wife for the problem and a `H' when he blamed the husband. Skimming back through, it's about 90% W's. Just about any time he says something negative about the husband, you are almost guaranteed to get a follow-up sentence about how his wife's pettiness or nagging or belittling comments or criticizing or bitterness or whatever was really the root cause of the husband's behavior. At times, it was to the point I thought he was emasculating men by making us out to be powerless -- we can't take responsibility for our own behavior because every issue is probably our wife's fault anyway.
2) It's kindof a continuation of #1, but I honestly can't believe he found a man and a *woman* to blame the husband's marital infidelity on the wife. Finding a man who wants to justify his immorality by blaming his wife shouldn't be too hard, but Dr. Eggerichs found a woman who blamed *herself* for her husband's philandering. The idea that a man has so little control over his own actions that he is to be expected to wander if his wife doesn't `put out' often enough is just galling.
3) The narrowness of the focus. As I mentioned above, a disrespected husband or unloved wife is a problem for some couples. But there's lots of reasons marriages struggle, and disrespect is only one of the possibilities. Dr. Eggerichs doesn't acknowledge that at all.
4) He spends quite a bit of energy being defensive about it, so Dr. Eggerichs clearly realizes that the idea of unconditional respect has some problems. I honestly don't see the appeal of unconditional respect. If I want respect from my wife (which I most certainly do!), I will act in a way that *deserves* respect. Why would I demand her unconditional respect regardless of my actions unless I couldn't be bothered to earn it?
208 of 262 found the following review helpful:
DisappointedMar 19, 2011
While the overall idea is a good one, I strongly agree with other reviewers that the way the author excuses sinful behavior is unacceptable. I found his pride and the repetitive nature of his message to be irritating but was willing to focus on the positive in the book. However after reading that men cheat because their wives don't have sex with them enough and that women should listen to their men's admiration of other women's "assets" with compassion and not judgement, along with multiple other situations where men's actions are excused as "natural" and "to be expected" I find I absolutely can NOT recommend this book to anyone.
In fact I am extremely disappointed by the many positive reviews by Christian couples seen here. How can anyone in good conscience recommend a book that so degrades women? I understand that men are turned on by the visual, but Jesus challenges them to fight those urges, and I absolutely do not agree that women should accept that their husband will look lustfully at another woman as "natural" and encourage him to share those struggles with her! Should women be sympathetic of their husband's struggles...yes! Should they pray that God give their husbands the strength to resist temptation...yes! Is it easier on husbands if their needs are met...perhaps. However I know plenty of couples with healthy sex lives whose husbands still struggle with pornography, flirting with other women, looking at other women lustfully etc. The issue is the MAN's heart and the MAN's walk with his Lord and Saviour, not his wife's ability and willingness to sleep with him every 72hrs on schedule. Seriously. If nothing else this book will only allow men struggling with the above issues to excuse, not own up to and change, their behavior.
I am very disappointed and saddened that so many reviewers seem to think this book is the answer to their marital problems. There are better, far less prideful marriage books out there. If you are wondering whether to read this one, please do not waste your time!
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