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438 of 485 found the following review helpful:
Good principal, disappointed in tone and tangibles...Sep 22, 2006
By A. Cooper
I thought the principal behind the book was something that will help virtually every married couple. My husband and I laughed at sections b/c we found some of the anecdotes so spot on to our daily lives. Eggerichs clearly explained to us why we keep going through the "Crazy Cycle." The Respect/Love needs in men/women is potentially a marriage saver or breaker.
I have 2 constructive criticisms of the book. I still recommend this book, however I do give these caveats:
1. This book talks as if men know how to love their wives. There may be a million books out there on how to do it, but we didn't have those. My husband and I were reading this one. And I grew weary of hearing how women needed to learn to respect their husbands. Frankly, I grasped the principal within the first few pages. After a few chapters, I felt like rolling my eyes a little. Because he paid so little attention to talking about how men should love their wives, it felt like that part was very trivialized. I understand that was not the point, however, the title was "Love & Respect", not just "Respect."
2. I would have liked more tangible examples of exactly what it means to "Respect" my husband. I want to do it. And he made it clear that "nagging, complaining, and whining" at him were disrespectful. But I need more examples. What are the active things I can do? Is it disrespectful to remind my husband to take the garbage out the night before? If it is, then how do I make sure the task gets done w/out reminding him? It isn't an issue of control, but I have to get the kids out the door in the morning and I need help and I need him to do this one thing. Make sense? I need to know how to have those discussions w/out disrespecing him.
I hestitate to use this as a small group book b/c it is so one-sided. And it tends to repeat itself. Again, I got the principal pretty quickly. And as good as it is, after a while, enough is enough. Another reviewer said it felt a bit like a brochure for the conference. That is exactly how I felt.
A good book? Yes. A helpful principle? Absolutely. A must-read? Maybe. But definitely helpful to a Christian marriage and therefore, I do and would recommend it.
553 of 624 found the following review helpful:
An ok basic premise, but enough problems that I'd advise other books over this oneMar 24, 2009
By Brian K. William
1) I like the connection between love and respect. Every time he says husbands need respect and wives need love, you have to translate that mentally into *both* husbands *and* wives need love *and* respect, but the basic premise is a good one -- the Christian understanding of love indicates an attitude of honoring, respecting, and blessing the other person.
2) The crazy cycle and reward cycle. This is one of the most important things most couples could learn. Our behaviors are self-reinforcing and good things to lead to more good things in a cycle. Likewise, bad things often lead to more bad things. The good news is that we serve a God of redemption and just as the gospel message teaches us that Christ breaks us out of a cycle of sin, God can redeem broken marriages and break them out of destructive cycles.
3) For *some* couples, a disrespectful attitude toward the husband or an unloving attitude toward the wife *is* the problem. For those relationships, I imagine they would benefit greatly from this book.
1) As mentioned by several reviewers already, the book is incredibly sexist. I started making a `W' in the margins when Dr. Eggerichs blamed the wife for the problem and a `H' when he blamed the husband. Skimming back through, it's about 90% W's. Just about any time he says something negative about the husband, you are almost guaranteed to get a follow-up sentence about how his wife's pettiness or nagging or belittling comments or criticizing or bitterness or whatever was really the root cause of the husband's behavior. At times, it was to the point I thought he was emasculating men by making us out to be powerless -- we can't take responsibility for our own behavior because every issue is probably our wife's fault anyway.
2) It's kindof a continuation of #1, but I honestly can't believe he found a man and a *woman* to blame the husband's marital infidelity on the wife. Finding a man who wants to justify his immorality by blaming his wife shouldn't be too hard, but Dr. Eggerichs found a woman who blamed *herself* for her husband's philandering. The idea that a man has so little control over his own actions that he is to be expected to wander if his wife doesn't `put out' often enough is just galling.
3) The narrowness of the focus. As I mentioned above, a disrespected husband or unloved wife is a problem for some couples. But there's lots of reasons marriages struggle, and disrespect is only one of the possibilities. Dr. Eggerichs doesn't acknowledge that at all.
4) He spends quite a bit of energy being defensive about it, so Dr. Eggerichs clearly realizes that the idea of unconditional respect has some problems. I honestly don't see the appeal of unconditional respect. If I want respect from my wife (which I most certainly do!), I will act in a way that *deserves* respect. Why would I demand her unconditional respect regardless of my actions unless I couldn't be bothered to earn it?
59 of 71 found the following review helpful:
Might be useful.Mar 09, 2008
By Cindy M
My husband and I went through the DVD series at our church. While the material was good for starting dialog, I find the bias and blame of women disturbing. Particularly the idea that if husbands are unloving, it's because they aren't respected by their wives. It's her fault not his. As someone else pointed out in another review here, didn't Christ LOVE first without asking for respect?
Another point of contention for me is the idea that if a woman isn't there sexually for her mate, SHE places him at risk??? As if he has no control??? That somehow he's going to fall victim to some other woman because she wasn't there for him?? I really didn't get the point he was trying to make here at all. It came across as women should submit sexually whether htey like it or not because this is some NEED of men and they're placed in a vulnerable position if the wife doesn't take care of his needs. Again, all her fault if something goes wrong.
The placement of men above women is even seen in the title. What he want is presented as a NEED while what she wants is only a desire. Men are definitely the important ones here. However, if you can get past the anti female bias, the material might be useful from a perspective of trying to understand your mate. The idea that men and women speak different languages is not new. How many books have said before that men and women are different? The difference here is the idea that love motivates women and respect motivates men.
I'd recommend the book with more than one grain of salt. There are some good things but a lot to overlook.
151 of 188 found the following review helpful:
NOT THE SEMINAR ON DVDFeb 27, 2006
This book includes a DVD that is a 30 minute book promotion. It is NOT the Love & Respect Conference. If you want the official Love & Respect Conference on DVD you have to order it from [...]
49 of 60 found the following review helpful:
DisappointedMar 19, 2011
While the overall idea is a good one, I strongly agree with other reviewers that the way the author excuses sinful behavior is unacceptable. I found his pride and the repetitive nature of his message to be irritating but was willing to focus on the positive in the book. However after reading that men cheat because their wives don't have sex with them enough and that women should listen to their men's admiration of other women's "assets" with compassion and not judgement, along with multiple other situations where men's actions are excused as "natural" and "to be expected" I find I absolutely can NOT recommend this book to anyone.
In fact I am extremely disappointed by the many positive reviews by Christian couples seen here. How can anyone in good conscience recommend a book that so degrades women? I understand that men are turned on by the visual, but Jesus challenges them to fight those urges, and I absolutely do not agree that women should accept that their husband will look lustfully at another woman as "natural" and encourage him to share those struggles with her! Should women be sympathetic of their husband's struggles...yes! Should they pray that God give their husbands the strength to resist temptation...yes! Is it easier on husbands if their needs are met...perhaps. However I know plenty of couples with healthy sex lives whose husbands still struggle with pornography, flirting with other women, looking at other women lustfully etc. The issue is the MAN's heart and the MAN's walk with his Lord and Saviour, not his wife's ability and willingness to sleep with him every 72hrs on schedule. Seriously. If nothing else this book will only allow men struggling with the above issues to excuse, not own up to and change, their behavior.
I am very disappointed and saddened that so many reviewers seem to think this book is the answer to their marital problems. There are better, far less prideful marriage books out there. If you are wondering whether to read this one, please do not waste your time!
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